Episode 45 – Space Zoo

In which Fuzz’s family makes friends with an anthropomorphic dinosaur.

I can only assume that I have offended some powerful deity, because this episode is as clear a sign of divine displeasure as can be imagined: it begins with the introduction of Fuzz’s parents. On the plus side, they don’t say anything: they just sit there like cardboard cut outs while Fuzz whimpers through some sickening rubbish about how much he like Mummy Fuzz’s cooking.

Daddy Fuzz: “Sit very still and fix a grin on your face, dear – he’ll be gone soon.”

Once he’s done that, Chief Tussle shows up and insists that Fuzz come to look at a huge vortex which has opened outside the Prairie Peoples’ burrows. I have no idea why Tussle would think Fuzz will be any use whatsoever in dealing with this vortex, and sure enough, Fuzz manages to do nothing except stand too close, resulting in a huge metal hand reaching out, seizing him, and pulling him back through. For a happy moment, I thought that maybe Chief Tussle had arranged for this event, to dispose of Fuzz once and for all, but he then voices his intention to fetch BraveStarr to get Fuzz back, so no such luck.

On examining the vortex, BraveStarr declares it to be the product of technology he’s never seen before. This doesn’t impress me as much as he evidently thinks it should. I wouldn’t be surprised if a hoover is technology he’s never seen before. Anyway, BraveStarr decides the best thing to do is to go through the vortex himself. Let’s hope it’s some kind of interdimensional shredder.

BraveStarr: “I’m a big fan of leaping before I look.”

Predictably enough, the vortex is a spacewarp transporter, and BraveStarr emerges on a spaceship that I’m pretty certain re-uses the backgrounds from the Fright Zone in She-Ra. Maybe this is a crossover episode! I can’t begin to tell you how much I’d like that. Why didn’t they keep making She-Ra for ever?

I don’t expect I need to say it isn’t a crossover. Instead, BraveStarr is in a Space Zoo, filled with various exotic animals. And Fuzz. Christ alone knows why anyone would want Fuzz in their zoo. No one in their right mind would come to see him. He’d be one of those boring animals like a Somali wild ass or something that they always put in the furthest corner, out of the way. Anyway, Fuzz is in a cage, and BraveStarr is sufficiently demented to release him.

The dynamic duo decide to try to return all the other animals to their home planets, which necessitates a visit to the ship’s control room. Here they encounter a bunch of boring robots, and after they’re defeated, they come face to face with the villain of the piece, a yellow dinosaur called Master Brankor. I think it bears mentioning here that Brankor is a very tedious person. He’s wearing a red waistcoat and pink trousers, which is the sort of fashion sense that made it impossible to take Prince Adam seriously, and he makes a lot of growling noises while waffling about having no friends but knowing how to fight.

BraveStarr: “Let’s forget the idiocy of a dinosaur dressing up in that waistcoat. Let’s instead focus on said dinosaur appearing to have a rolled-up mattress strapped to his head.”

In the course of this thrilling scene, BraveStarr and Brankor fall back through the vortex onto New Texas, while Fuzz somehow makes friends with the robots and arranges for them to free the other animals.  He then returns to New Texas himself, where his mum and Rosetta fall upon him and smother him with kisses. Brankor watches and instantly learns about love and friendship, then asks to join Fuzz’s family. Good God. I knew Brankor was tedious, but I didn’t realise he was mental.

In today’s adventure…

Thirty/Thirty dispenses a little lesson on how to develop friendships: “You don’t get friends by snatching them off the street.” This is helpful. I can’t count the number of times I’ve kidnapped people only to find they don’t want to be my friend. I’d always put it down to them being rude, but now I see that it was because my methods were faulty. Glad we got that sorted out.

Character checklist

This tripefest of an episodes features BraveStarr, Thirty/Thirty, Fuzz, Chief Tussle, Mummy Fuzz, Daddy Fuzz, Rosetta, loads of other Prairie People, Miss Jenny the schoolteacher, Master Brankor, and three or four stupid robots.

Brankor: “Eagle-eyed viewers will have noted that in the picture of me further up the page, I wasn’t wearing my pink trousers. I’ve put them on now, of course. Got to make a good impression to Fuzz’s parents.”

Unnecessarily Violent Horse

Thirty/Thirty spends most of the episode waiting on New Texas for BraveStarr and Fuzz to return through the vortex. He’s had no indication that anyone other than these two might come through, but even so, when someone begins to emerge, he whips out his gun and prepares to shoot. When he sees that BraveStarr has brought Brankor with him, he gets even more excited and starts bellowing about the inevitable “stomping time”. Give it a rest, Thirty/Thirty.

Ears of the Wolf

When BraveStarr arrives in the space zoo, he uses the ears of the wolf to listen for clues as to Fuzz’s location. He doesn’t get anything specific, but that doesn’t stop him from going for a little explore.

Strength of the Bear

Here’s a fascinating bit of info for you: BraveStarr uses the strength of the bear to open a heavy door. It’s awesome titbits of trivia like this that keep people flocking to this blog day in day out. More interestingly, he also uses it a few minutes later to release himself from a robot’s iron grip, and shortly thereafter to wrestle with Master Brankor.

Robot: “Got to admit, we are just asking for a good strength of the bearing.”

Speed of the Puma

BraveStarr needs his puma speed to evade the robots, and that’s as much as I can think of to say about that.

Starr Rating

It’s total drivel. First and foremost, I’m going to have to deduct a good few points from this episode’s score for committing the crime of making Fuzz say, “Whoop-di-doodles.” It’s possibly the most irritating thing anyone’s ever said in anything I’ve ever watched, and let’s not forget how many cartoons I’ve watched over the last few years.

That’s not the episode’s only problem, of course, though it is a low point. Brankor’s motivation and redemption are infuriatingly cloying, and it doesn’t do my blood pressure any good at all to feature Fuzz and his terrible family so prominently. The dialogue is stilted and obvious, and the moral is so heavy-handed that it almost makes me want to never have any friends again, just to spite this episode. I don’t think I’ve ever felt my blood boil as much as I did during the last five minutes of this cartoon. It’s got me thinking I may need to retire on medical grounds. Do not watch this episode if you value your sanity.