BraveStarr: The Legend

In which we learn how it all began.

As promised last week, we have here the BraveStarr feature film. I’m not entirely sure when in BraveStarr’s lifecycle this cinematic masterpiece was created, but at a guess it was early on. The film depicts the events leading up to the series, which means that we’re probably going to get an awful lot of the Shaman spouting profound gibberish.

That prediction is proved correct within about a minute of the film’s beginning, which shows the Shaman and BraveStarr, many years ago, travelling to New Texas. The Shaman has learned that a great evil resides on New Texas, so in his infinite wisdom, he’s decided that the best plan is to crash his spaceship there. Before so doing, he puts BraveStarr into a suspended animation pod, awards him the strength of the bear, speed of the puma, etc, and fires him off the ship to a nearby galactic marshal outpost. He also splits a medallion in half, gives one half to BraveStarr and keeps the other himself, so BraveStarr will be able to recognise the Shaman in years to come.

The Shaman: “This all makes sense in my head, don’t worry.”

Once BraveStarr’s safely out of the way, the Shaman for some demented reason coats the outside of his ship in rock, then carries out his crazed plan to crash. His ship lands on top of a mountain and becomes Star Peak, to the great delight of the neighbouring Prairie People and to the dismay of Stampede, who is already living in the Hex-Agon. In order to combat the Shaman, he decides he needs an ally.

And thus it is that we learn how Tex Hex first became Stampede’s sidekick. This isn’t substantially different from that bit in the episode Tex’s Terrible Night, where we learned the same thing, but it does flesh out McBride’s role in the events a little. As we may recall, he is Tex Hex’s partner, and as a result of Tex’s betrayal he loses the use of his legs. Another thing he loses, though, is a photo of his daughter JB, which is stolen by a very young incarnation of Fuzz. Before he can recover the picture, McBride is saved by the Shaman and shipped off planet – thus spreading the word of New Texas’ wealth of kerium.

Fuzz: “Just as well I nicked this off that injured man before that other guy arrived to help him.”

Settlers and miners gather on the planet, and the Shaman watches as the years go by and the town of Fort Kerium rises. If the Shaman actually tries to defeat Stampede in this time – you know, like he said he was going to – then it takes place off screen. Instead, he simply offers some portentous narration as he introduces us to all the villains, trying his hardest to make it sound intimidating. Eventually, the townspeople get fed up of the crooks, and call for an army of galactic marshals.

Well, we all know what that means. It’s time to meet grown-up BraveStarr. He gets perhaps the least auspicious introduction to a hero I’ve ever witnessed, since the first time we see him, he’s ogling Judge JB’s arse as she bends over to pick up a book. Once she realises she’s in the company of an unrelenting pervert, she straightens up, but by then, the damage is done, and BraveStarr starts trying to sleaze his way into her pants with a variety of appalling chat-up lines. When these don’t work, he only then takes the trouble to find out who she is; on finding out she’s a judge, he expresses disbelief that a pretty lady could be a judge. Wowee, BraveStarr. You’ve only been on screen for a minute and I’ve already got a fantastic handle on how much of a complete tool you are.

BraveStarr: “Don’t worry – once we get around to Thirty/Thirty’s indiscriminate violence, sexual harassment will be the least of your concerns about my police force.”

BraveStarr, Judge JB and McBride all arrive on New Texas, to the general indifference of the population. No one cares about Judge JB or McBride one way or the other, and the townsfolk get very cross to see BraveStarr, partly because there’s only one of him, rather than an army of marshals, and partly because when he first appears on the planet, he is helping Judge JB carry her belongings, and is holding a slinky nightie as if he intends to wear it himself.

Among the crowd assembled to see BraveStarr’s arrival are Tex Hex, Skuzz and Thunderstick, who decide that it will be a constructive use of their time to start insulting the new marshal. BraveStarr reacts in a very peculiar way: he opens all Judge JB’s luggage and uses her underwear to tie the baddies up. That’s great, BraveStarr. I’m sure Judge JB will be really pleased that you wrapped one of her corsets round Skuzz’s head.

Tex Hex: “Is this actually standard police procedure, or are you a dangerous maverick?”

This unconventional showdown ends with BraveStarr attempting to arrest the villains, a prospect which upsets Thunderstick to the extent that he says something sounding very much like, “Piss off, marshal,” though I suspect it’s not that. Tex Hex then manages to cast a nasty little spell which results in BraveStarr being tied up by a pair of snakes, loaded onto a vehicle, and blasted off into the desert. Judge JB grabs another vehicle and follows, with Fuzz tagging along for good measure. She claims to be going to help BraveStarr, but I suspect it’s to exact vengeance for his underwear stunt.

Even without Judge JB’s help, BraveStarr manages to free himself from the snakes and takes control of the vehicle. Sadly, he’s the worst driver in the world, and consequently crashes his vehicle into a pile of rocks, where he is found by the Shaman. This of course is the cue for a cheery reunion, and for the Shaman to indulge himself with one of his trademark tales of BraveStarr’s childhood. This one has at least the advantage of being vaguely relevant, since it explains the history of the enmity between the Shaman and Stampede, and the origin of BraveStarr’s powers. On the other hand, it’s a pretty dull story which doesn’t make complete sense, and I shan’t trouble you with it here.

The Shaman: “Don’t ask.”

The Shaman, being a bit weird, insists that BraveStarr take his top off, after which they go and stand at the top of Star Peak. Once there, the Shaman channels the various strengths, speeds, eyes, ears of the bear, puma, hawk, wolf into BraveStarr, and announces that he is now the Hero of New Texas. With this in mind, he decrees that BraveStarr will need a mighty weapon, then points to a distant mountain and informs him that such a weapon can be found there.

BraveStarr speed of the pumas his way across the planet’s surface to the mountain, where he finds the ruins of a temple, inhabited by everyone’s favourite robot horse, Thirty/Thirty. I must admit, we’re halfway through this film and I was getting worried it might not feature the most violently insane horse in cinematic history. After an initial disagreement, BraveStarr and Thirty/Thirty hit it off, and BraveStarr realises that Thirty/Thirty is the weapon the Shaman was talking about. Hopefully Thirty/Thirty never realises the Shaman called him a weapon.

Thirty/Thirty: “Could I speak to the manager, please?”

In the meantime, Judge JB has got into a little tussle with some of those infernal dingoes, and in the ensuing conflict has been dragged underground into the Prairie People Kingdom by Fuzz. This is ostensibly to save her, but Fuzz has still got that photo of JB that McBride dropped all those years ago, and I’ll be honest, there’s something a little serial killery about the way he’s kept hold of it obsessively all these years. If Judge JB can get out of this one without a little detour into Fuzz’s sex dungeon, she’s going to have to have all her wits about her.

Judge JB appears to spend some time among the Prairie People, managing to teach Fuzz English – or at least a very vague semblance of it – after which they seem to decide that they like her very much, but they think her dress is stupid. Consequently, they give her a new outfit, as well as a tomahawk called the Hammer of Justice. Once she’s been presented with these items, Judge JB is free to leave, but she loses her mind entirely and brings Fuzz with her.

Judge JB: “Gee, thanks, guys. You really shouldn’t have.”

Heading back to town, Judge JB and Fuzz meet up with BraveStarr and Thirty/Thirty, and thus the greatest quartet in the history of fiction is complete. They arrive in Fort Kerium just in time to save it from an all-out assault by Tex Hex and his numpties, after which the Shaman teleports into town to deliver an ominous warning: Tex Hex will attack again tomorrow. This is perhaps not as worrying as the Shaman thinks it is, since BraveStarr has just defeated Tex Hex in about 4 and a half seconds, and there’s no reason to think he won’t do so again tomorrow.

Even so, BraveStarr is sufficiently disturbed by the prospect to arrange for Fort Kerium’s citizens to build the town defences, a task achieved with the help of the Prairie People. He also finds time for a little heart-to-heart with Judge JB, in which they both admit to being a little scared. BraveStarr then comments, “Anyone who says they’re not scared before a fight is either lying or not telling the truth,” which is perhaps an excellent insight into his complete lack of mental functionality. For some reason, Judge JB finds bollocks like this reassuring, and gives BraveStarr a bit of mouth-to-mouth, after which BraveStarr smiles a smile that’s at best sleazy and at worst openly psychopathic.

Judge JB: “Personal space, BraveStarr! PERSONAL SPACE!”

No doubt buoyed by a night of hot judgey passion, BraveStarr is a bit more jovial in the morning, as opposed to Thirty/Thirty, who is a bit grumpy and has thus presumably not been having any romps with the more experimental townspeople. Despite BraveStarr’s good mood, the town defences are still unfinished when Tex Hex begins his approach with a vast army of lowlifes, so BraveStarr and Thirty/Thirty ride out alone to confront them and buy the town some time.

BraveStarr and Thirty/Thirty defeat pretty much the entire army in no time at all, and the day is pretty much won, when Tex Hex calls on Stampede to put in an appearance. Understandably freaked out by the arrival of a giant mechanical bull flying around in a thundercloud, our heroes retreat to Fort Kerium, which proves to be a good move, since Stampede’s next action is to reanimate the bones of countless giant bulls that just happen to be lying around in the desert.

Stampede: “Another of my greatest successes here.”

Faced with this army of deceased gigantic cattle, BraveStarr activates Fort Kerium’s new defences, after which he and his gang blast merry hell out of the bulls. Unfortunately, even after the bulls have been blown up, their bones knit back together and they keep on coming, so the situation soon looks hopeless. BraveStarr calls upon the Shaman for help, which proves to be a mistake, since the Shaman’s only contribution is to stand at the top of Star Peak and get shot immediately.

BraveStarr sees the Shaman’s misfortune and speed of the pumas his way over to Star Peak, where he indulges in a final showdown with Tex Hex. Once Tex Hex is defeated, BraveStarr uses the Shaman’s staff to gain the victory over Stampede as well, after which the baddies retreat to the Hex-Agon and the reanimated cattle disappear. Once this is done, the Shaman stands up and comments, “Ah, the evil has been conquered. Good has triumphed. At last, I can rest.” WTF, Shaman? Why do you need a rest? You’ve done absolutely bugger all.

The Shaman: “I have performed exceptionally well today, so I’m tired.”

Back in town, BraveStarr and Judge JB reach an arrangement that I believe is known as ‘friends-with-benefits’, after which our hero appoints Fuzz as deputy, and along with Thirty/Thirty, they all troll off to Star Peak with the intention of listening to some of the Shaman’s stories. Speaking as someone familiar with the Shaman’s stories from the preceding 65 episodes, I can say with certainty that they will very soon come to regret this decision.

In today’s adventure…

We aren’t graced with a moral after this BraveStarr extravaganza, which is a bit of a pity, because I just don’t know what to conclude. Let’s pick on the Shaman and say that this film teaches us that we can get away with pretending to be wise if you sit at the top of an oddly-shaped mountain and occasionally come out with some mysterious utterance that sounds profound but on closer inspection proves to be utter claptrap.

Character checklist

This one’s got pretty much everyone you might want to see, as well as plenty of people you had been hoping to avoid forever more: BraveStarr, Judge JB, the Shaman, Fuzz, McBride, Handlebar, Molly, the Mayor, Billy Bob, Diamondback, Chief Tussle, Stampede, Tex Hex, Skuzz, Sandstorm, Cactus Head, Vipra, Thunderstick and Hog Tie. And, of course, some of those bloody dingoes. It wouldn’t be BraveStarr without the dingoes.

Judge JB: “BraveStarr, how can I put this? You are simultaneously the stupidest and creepiest person I’ve ever met.”

Unnecessarily Violent Horse

When BraveStarr first encounters Thirty/Thirty, he’s in his horse rather than humanoid form. BraveStarr unwittingly comments that Thirty/Thirty is a funny-looking horse, at which Thirty/Thirty gets murder in his eye, and things only get worse when BraveStarr reaches down to pick up Thirty/Thirty’s beloved gun, Sarah Jane. Specifically, the utter lunatic bellows, “No-ho-ho-ho!!!” and wallops BraveStarr, giving rise to a ludicrously violent fight that could have been avoided entirely if Thirty/Thirty had simply calmly explained his position from the get-go. This fight, it should perhaps be observed, includes Thirty/Thirty kicking BraveStarr right in the face, shooting him in the chest, burying him under a pile of rubble, and then spitting disdainfully. These are the hallmarks of a madman, so quite why BraveStarr chooses to make him a deputy, I couldn’t begin to explain.

Insults

It’s a feature-length Filmation outing, so it’s naturally going to have a bumper crop of insults. The Prairie People are, understandably, a regular target, being called “furry critters” and “fuzzballs” by Tex Hex, “critters” by a random settler and “pesky critters” by the Mayor. Tex Hex’s army also don’t fare too well, being described as “varmints” by Tex Hex and as “vermin, cowards and cheats” by Stampede.

Prairie People: “Any insults you care to toss our way are entirely justified.”

McBride tells Tex Hex he’s an “inhuman monster” and a “greedy fool”, while Thunderstick makes the elementary mistake of calling BraveStarr a “little filly”, an error compounded by Skuzz, who chimes in with “parasol-packing peace officer”. BraveStarr doesn’t even bother to reply to Thunderstick, but does tell Skuzz he’s a “rodent”. There’s also an affectionate trade of insults between BraveStarr and Thirty/Thirty, including the first words BraveStarr speaks to his horsey colleague: “You’re a funny-looking horse”, to which Thirty/Thirty much later responds by telling BraveStarr he’s a “real pain”.

Otherwise, Tex Hex dishes out most of the insults, starting by calling his ship a “tin junk heap”, moving on to tell McBride he’s a “cripple” and Thunderstick that he’s a “tin can”, a sentiment echoed by BraveStarr. He reserves most of his vitriol for BraveStarr, however, variously calling him a “pretty filly”, a “dang marshal”, a “parasol-packing peace officer” and “Miss Marshal”. True story: one of my very first teachers was called Miss Marshal. She once locked me up in her office because I put face paint on my friend’s face. I’d argue that that’s what face paint is for. I don’t know if this is relevant to this review, and I’m suspecting it might not be, so let’s move on and allow me to remind you that the Shaman called Thirty/Thirty a “weapon”.

The Shaman: “Well, he is, isn’t he.”

Speed of the Puma

BraveStarr leaps off a sofa and bolts over to a window, just in time to smash it open and catch an asteroid which would have killed Judge JB and McBride. That’s all very well, of course, but it does lead to one of those disproportionately upsetting breathing-in-a-vacuum scenes. More sensibly, he uses the puma speed later to reach the Hall of the Equestroids, and to knock Sarah Jane from Thirty/Thirty’s hooves when he gets there. He also uses it to depart the Hall of the Equestroids and return to the Shaman with Thirty/Thirty, though I think this is just showing off.

BraveStarr uses the puma speed too many times to count during the battle with Tex Hex’s team at Fort Kerium, and again towards the end of the film when he needs to get to Star Peak in a hurry. This puma speed count isn’t perhaps as specific as it could be, but you try watching this film and not getting bored of BraveStarr suddenly yowling like a cat in heat and then running away. Actually, if I put it like that, it sounds much better than it is.

Strength of the Bear

The above-mentioned asteroid-catching event is facilitated by BraveStarr’s strength of the bear, though BraveStarr admits at the time that he doesn’t know why he possesses such strength. Later on, he’s a lot more confident about the bear strength, using it to knock down a wall in the Hall of the Equestroids when he could probably have just opened a door. It’s also required to release himself from the pile of rubble that Thirty/Thirty collapses on his head, to block a killer punch from his equine frenemy, and finally to knock him out.

BraveStarr: “It’s catchphrase time!”

The strength of the bear pops out during the confrontation at Fort Kerium, when BraveStarr wants to unnecessarily bang two vehicles together, and then again about two seconds later when he decides to punch Tex Hex full in the face. It gets yet another few uses during the construction of the town defences, and proves to be very useful in the final battle as well. Again, I got bored of counting the occurrences of this tedious power.

Starr Rating

It may surprise you to hear that I think this film is very good. It’s a great, exciting adventure story that would have been fantastic on the big screen. It’s got everything a film needs: romance, danger, excitement, some nasty villains, and some excellent touches of humour. A lot of the latter comes from great touches of animation rather than the dialogue: for example, there are some excellent visual jokes concerning Fort Kerium’s undertaker, who pops up regularly to measure people for coffins whenever things seem grim. The sequence in which the townspeople are building the town defences is also packed with amusing little moments, my favourite being the bit in which Thirty/Thirty tries to outdo BraveStarr bending an iron beam.

Thirty/Thirty: “Siri, show me what normal horses do.”

It’s not all perfect, of course. I’m glad there wasn’t much focus on Fuzz and the Prairie People, because Jesus Christ, they’re annoying. BraveStarr himself can’t seem to decide whether he prefers being a nonentity or a smug prick, and I’ve never had the least bit of time for the Shaman, because he’s completely useless, and his role today doesn’t do anything to change my mind. I’m not the only one who gets annoyed with the Shaman’s propensity to speak in cryptic utterances: Thirty/Thirty comments, “I can’t stand people who talk in riddles.” I couldn’t agree more.

I’m still undecided as to when this film was made. It’s obviously the beginning of the BraveStarr story, and as such, it might have made sense if I’d watched it first rather than saving it till last, but I half get the feeling it was made during or after the series, to fill in the back story. On the other hand, most of the animation for the series’ opening credits comes from this film, so that would imply the film was made first. Either way, it works nicely as a prequel if you’ve watched the series first, or serves as a great introduction to the concept if you haven’t.

And that’s that for BraveStarr. Join me next week for the series summary, and then we’ll all be free to go about our lives.