Episode 63 – No Drums, No Trumpets

In which there are indeed no drums and no trumpets.

BraveStarr kicks proceedings off this week by giving Thirty/Thirty a lesson in how to recognise the Big Dipper constellation, which is nice but entirely irrelevant. Once that’s over, we cut to the following day, when a man called Paco and his daughter Michelle arrive in Fort Kerium. Paco is carrying a pair of dolls for Michelle, and for some reason Thunderstick, Skuzz and Thirty/Thirty all make a massive deal about this, questioning Paco’s masculinity. Firstly, Paco can have dolls if he wants to, and secondly, the dolls clearly belong to his daughter, you trio of massive cretins.

Paco: “These things in my arms are dolls, not horrible creatures. This is Filmation, so I feel this needs to be clarified.”

Once this little display of imbecility has been resolved, BraveStarr sits down for a chat with Paco and Michelle, and learns that Paco used to be a marshal, but has resigned after he accidentally killed a man while trying to arrest him. Paco is now overcome with remorse and refuses to carry a gun, despite others thinking he’s a coward. BraveStarr approves of this decision, commenting that sometimes not carrying a gun is braver than carrying one. I entirely agree, BraveStarr – so when exactly are you going to abandon your gun and insist that your moronic equine sidekick do likewise?

Paco voices his intention to settle down and become a farmer, so BraveStarr helps them to file a claim on some fertile land, which Paco christens Peaceful Valley. Unfortunately, BraveStarr has cleverly selected a valley that Sandstorm considers his, and so of course a whole host of shenanigans begin in which Sandstorm tries to force Paco and Michelle to leave.

Sandstorm: “Ordinarily, I’d be the stupidest looking person in any picture, but today I think I’m safe.”

Sandstorm’s first effort is a bit half-hearted, simply consisting of him blowing sand at Paco, a pathetic little tactic easily thwarted by BraveStarr. His second attempt is a tad cleverer: he kidnaps Michelle, telling Paco to get off his land if he wants to get Michelle back. This is Paco’s cue to get out his gun and announce that there are some things worth fighting for after all. I expect we’re meant to cheer, but I just found this deeply disappointing.

Paco heads for the Hex-Agon to retrieve Michelle, and en route he meets up with BraveStarr and Thirty/Thirty, who help him to get inside. BraveStarr and Thirty/Thirty take on the baddies while Paco attempts to release Michelle, but to do so, he has to use his gun to shoot the lock off her cell. Once he’s done this, he gets properly trigger-happy and merrily fires his gun again, this time to bring down a chandelier on Sandstorm’s head. We conclude with a lovely little scene which is incredibly ambiguous over whether Paco is now happy about using guns.

Paco: “Michelle, do you think you could stop staring at BraveStarr’s crotch?”

In today’s adventure…

Well, this is probably a first: the moral lesson is delivered by a baddy. It’s Skuzz, and he wants to talk to us about smoking – specifically, that it’s best if we don’t do it. He concludes by noting that those who do smoke might end up like him, which is admittedly a pretty good anti-smoking message.

Character checklist

BraveStarr, Thirty/Thirty, Paco, Michelle, Thunderstick, Skuzz, Sandstorm and Cactus Head make up the episode’s lead participants. Molly and Fuzz are also present, the latter of whom sounds like his usual voice actor is on holiday. There are also non-speaking appearance for Vipra and some dingoes, as well as some guys from previous episodes who I seem to recall are called Tog Salter and Zeke.

BraveStarr: “Yes, Fuzz, you are still extremely annoying even when you’re being voiced by someone else.”

Unnecessarily Violent Horse

He doesn’t erupt into any disproportionate displays of temper this week, but Thirty/Thirty is remarkably scathing of Paco, on several occasions making comments suggesting Paco is a complete wuss. Needless to say, these comments are inappropriate in the extreme for a law enforcement official, and BraveStarr ought to have him up for a rigorous investigation by Internal Affairs. Equally needless to say, this doesn’t happen.

Insults

Thunderstick addresses Paco as “ma’am” and Skuzz calls him a “sissy” when they call his masculinity into question, and in retaliation Paco says that Thunderstick is a “bigmouth”, while Michelle calls Skuzz a “little furry rat”. BraveStarr unimaginatively refers to Thunderstick, Skuzz, Sandstorm, Cactus Head, Vipra and the dingoes as “varmints”, and only Sandstorm has sufficient brains to come up with a comeback, even if it’s only the rather rubbish “blasted BraveStarr”. Finally, Skuzz turns directly to camera and addresses the audience as “shrimps”, which I for one did not appreciate.

Skuzz: “If anyone’s a shrimp around here, it’s probably me, in complete honesty.”

Ears of the Wolf

This least frequently used ability gets an outing when BraveStarr is trying to track Paco down towards the end of the episode. There’s very little else I can say about this, and certainly nothing amusing, so I’ll not even try.

Strength of the Bear

BraveStarr uses the bear strength to knock a metal cabinet to bits, which he then reconstructs into a fan, purely for the purpose of blowing a bit of sand into Sandstorm’s face. If I thought there was any chance of a coherent answer, I’d ask why there was a metal cabinet sat out in the desert, but I think we all know that’s a pointless line of enquiry.

Starr Rating

Hmm. Well, there’s one good thing about this episode, and that’s the unintentionally hilarious line from BraveStarr: “as long as I’m the law around here, a person has the right to play with whatever they want.” It takes a much more mature person than I to not consider that this line is referring to self-abuse. Otherwise, it’s another of those stupid episodes that seems to be trying to making a case for gun ownership, which is an idea that I really can’t wrap my head around. The episode itself is a little confused: BraveStarr comments, “Every time I take out my neutralaser, I pray I’m not going to hurt anybody.” I think this was supposed to be making the case for responsible gun ownership, but to me it simply sounded like an argument against having one at all. If you have to pray you won’t hurt someone with a gun, perhaps you’re not a suitable person to have one. Even without the message, with which I cannot agree, the episode isn’t exactly thrilling, though it’s not dreadful either. It’s probably one to miss.