Episode 62 – The Blockade

In which Judge JB gets worried about where her next dinner is coming from.

Stampede’s up to his silly old tricks again. This time he’s got hold of the Mystic Magnetic Asteroid of Yarton 8, which as you can imagine has magnetic powers. It probably has mystic powers too, but those aren’t discussed. The magnetism, on the other hand, is used by Stampede to attract loads of other asteroids, all of which join together to form an impenetrable barrier around New Texas. This will prevent cargo ships arriving with food for the settlers, so they will be forced to surrender to Stampede. After which, presumably, the settlers and Stampede can starve together.

Stampede: “No, no, this isn’t a mental plan. Why do you ask?”

This sort of tomfoolery immediately attracts BraveStarr’s attention, and he quickly works out what’s going on. The urgency of the situation is brought home to him by Judge JB complaining that there’s very little food left anyway, and by a prison warden who had been hoping to take a Kreng wizard called Clawtoo off New Texas for trial. BraveStarr opts to take the prison warden up in a space shuttle to try to clear the asteroids, while Thirty/Thirty is put in charge of Clawtoo. This is the sort of division of labour that doesn’t really seem to play to everyone’s strengths. I’d have personally left Clawtoo with the prison warden, got some scientists to deal with the asteroids, and I’d probably have left that half-witted horse out of proceedings entirely.

Sure enough, Thirty/Thirty proves to be a completely inappropriate choice of prison guard, since within 10 seconds Clawtoo hypnotises him. Under hypnosis, Thirty/Thirty releases Clawtoo, then saunters amiably into a prison cell and gets himself locked in. Clawtoo then sneaks outside, where he sees Handlebar organising the requisitioning and distribution of food for Fort Kerium. Naturally, Clawtoo starts hatching plans to nick all the food, rather than getting out of town and lying low for a while, which is what any sane person would do.

Thirty/Thirty: “Shouldn’t have done that extra tab.”

Since Fuzz is in charge of guarding all the requisitioned food, Clawtoo manages to nick it with no effort whatsoever. In the meantime, however, Thirty/Thirty has managed to release himself from his prison cell and is now, predictably enough, furious. He and Judge JB set off after Clawtoo, eventually tracking him down to the Hex-Agon, where Judge JB yells in a hilariously growly and terrifying voice, “Take your hands off our food!” This is not really sufficient to give Clawtoo and Stampede pause, but after a bit of a barney, our heroes recover the food and take Clawtoo back into custody.

Meanwhile, BraveStarr and the prison warden are out in the space shuttle, checking out the newly formed asteroid belt. Thanks to the steel plates on the hull, soon enough the Mystic Magnetic Asteroid of Yarton 8 attaches itself to the shuttle and causes them to spiral out of control. With the shuttle about to crash, BraveStarr decides to do the one thing that’s 100% guaranteed to get my goat: he opens the window and pops off for a nice little space walk without a spacesuit. He-Man and especially She-Ra had a habit of doing this all the bloody time, and it was unaccountably infuriating. BraveStarr has managed to resist the temptation for 61 episodes; why couldn’t he have held out for just four more? I’m unable to maintain my suspension of disbelief anymore. Until this moment, I could have believed BraveStarr was real. Not anymore. I’m awake to cold cruel reality.

BraveStarr: “Just going for an unprotected space walk, carrying my nuclear warheads, like any normal person does on a Saturday morning.”

Once he’s averted the shuttle’s imminent crash, BraveStarr comes back inside, but now he’s got the taste in his mouth, he can’t get enough of his unprotected space walks and within five minutes he’s back outside again. This time he throws a nuclear warhead at the Mystic Magnetic Asteroid of Yarton 8 and deliberately sends it crashing down onto the Hex-Agon. I don’t think we can call this an unconditional victory. While, admittedly, it’s probably sufficient to kill Stampede and his crowd of no-hopers, I suspect it’s also enough to cause a mass extinction event on New Texas similar to the end of the dinosaurs here on Earth. Even if that doesn’t happen, the magnetic properties of the asteroid will presumably attract all the other asteroids to bombard the planet. Basically, BraveStarr’s just wiped out all life on New Texas. I hope he feels satisfied.

In today’s adventure…

I couldn’t for the life of me see any moral lessons in today’s barrel of crazy, but Handlebar – who’s a much better man than I – was able to point out that the inhabitants of New Texas were able to share their food in a crisis. He then somewhat disjointedly rambles on to tell us that learning to share is “part of a very special process called ‘growing up’.” Yeah, great, Handlebar. That’s quite sane, that is.

Character checklist

We’re unfortunate enough to have to sit through displays of idiocy from BraveStarr, Thirty/Thirty, Judge JB, Handlebar, Fuzz, McBride, the prison warden, Clawtoo, and Stampede today.

Judge JB: “BraveStarr! No! Me and Thirty/Thirty weren’t up to anything!”

Unnecessarily Violent Horse

Thirty/Thirty is very sedate when he ambles into the prison cell and gets locked in. That all changes when we next see him about 10 minutes later; he’s ripped the cell door off its hinges, and when he finds out that Clawtoo has stolen the food, he’s so livid that he grabs his gun and prepares to blast Clawtoo into oblivion. Judge JB has to kick the gun with a surprisingly effective ninja kick to prevent Thirty/Thirty from accidentally blowing up all the food as well as Clawtoo. Thirty/Thirty does thereafter apply himself to the task at hand, but the episode ominously ends with him remembering that he’s “got a score to settle with Clawtoo”. I predict the next episode will concern Thirty/Thirty’s upcoming trial for causing the death of a prisoner in custody.

Insults

There’s too much craziness going on this week for anyone to really have time to insult anyone, but even so, Clawtoo manages to get served by two people, being labelled an “insignificant minor wizard” by Stampede and a “dang-blasted Kreng” by Thirty/Thirty.

Clawtoo: “I’ll have my revenge for that burn, Thirty/Thirty.”

Strength of the Bear

While out in the vacuum of space, BraveStarr is somehow able to shout, “Strength of the Bear!” and thus give himself the ability to detach the magnetic asteroid from the shuttle’s hull. He calls on the bear strength again on his second space walk in order to hurl the nuclear missile at the Mystic Magnetic etc etc Asteroid. This programme is so realistic sometimes, I could even believe it’s a documentary.

Starr Rating

Every so often, an episode comes along that’s just completely off its head, and is so much fun in its rampart disregard for sanity that you can’t help but enjoy it. This one is such an episode. Stampede’s plan is barking mad from start to finish, BraveStarr’s solution is staggeringly irresponsible and his ability to breathe in the vacuum of space is completely loopy. Thirty/Thirty is on form in his usual demented way, but the icing on the cake has to be Judge JB’s surprising and disproportionate fury at the prospect of Clawtoo nicking the food. I’ve never seen her this close to breaking point before. It’s madness, but great fun. Recommended.