In which Thirty/Thirty is an inappropriate choice for a surrogate parent.
Today it’s time to meet Judge JB’s dad, an inexplicably Scottish gentleman who goes by the name of McBride. He’s a journalist, and he and Judge JB have come on an expedition to the ominously named Ambush Canyon to get a photograph of a notorious outlaw called Howler. They get their photo, but Howler takes exception to their paparazzi-style hounding, so he starts shooting at them. Consequently, it’s lucky that BraveStarr and Thirty/Thirty are around to save the day.
So far, so standard, but the episode now decides to take a left-turn into infuriating buffoonery. Once Howler does a runner, a bunch of Prairie People show up, including a child one called Wimble. There’s some explanatory bollocks about how Wimble’s parents are away on a dirty weekend at Butlins or something, and as a result, Wimble needs to choose some temporary adoptive parents. Oh Jesus. I wonder what’ll happen here. Oh look. Instead of making a sensible choice, Wimble selects Thirty/Thirty as his adopted father. Thirty/Thirty is almost certainly the least suitable role model on New Texas.
BraveStarr’s reaction to this development is – naturally – to be a complete dick about it and laugh his head off. He won’t be laughing shortly, when Wimble spends the rest of the episode speaking in baby talk and making a concerted effort to be the worst character in all of fiction ever. Did I say BraveStarr won’t be laughing? Yeah, well, neither will I.
The episode now lurches through a series of infuriating scenes, in which:
- Thirty/Thirty shows Wimble how to use a gun.
- BraveStarr and Thirty/Thirty have an argument over appropriate parenting techniques.
- The Shaman shows up to spout some completely purposeless drivel.
- Wimble gets enrolled at school (this scene in particular made the veins on my forehead bulge).
Once all these appalling scenes are over, the writers decide to finally get on with the plot, though the plot no longer bears any resemblance to anything you’d ever want to sit through. Essentially, Wimble and his new schoolmates go on a field trip to the desert, where – thanks to dingo sabotage – the school bus breaks down, and Howler shows up to try to kidnap Wimble as part of a not-particularly-well-thought-through plan to lure BraveStarr and Thirty/Thirty into some sort of trap.
Naturally, Thirty/Thirty and BraveStarr save the day, and haul Howler and his team off for a spell in the slammer. The episode ends without sending Wimble back to his real parents, which leads me to conclude that a) Wimble may be a regular fixture in this series from now on, so help me God, and b) Wimble’s real parents must be having a lot of fun at Butlins if they’re not back by now.
In today’s adventure…
Three morals for the price of one this week: don’t judge people before you know them, don’t be afraid to have arguments with your friends, and if you’re looking for adoptive parents, a robotic horse is not a bad choice. I suspect the writers didn’t mean us to take that last one to heart, but since it came in the moral segment, I’m going to pay attention.
Character checklist
Lots of people today, though few of them appear in more than one scene. There’s BraveStarr, Thirty/Thirty, Judge JB, McBride, the Shaman, Howler, some dingoes, Wimble, some other Prairie People, Dana (a green pointy-eared freak from BraveStarr’s childhood, who appears in flashback), Miss Jenny the schoolteacher, some school pupils, and Fuzz, who shows up at the end to prove that not even he is as bad as Wimble.
Unnecessarily Violent Horse
Jesus Christ, Thirty/Thirty! Today it seems that Sarah Jane – that gun of his – is a flame thrower, and he aims it right at the outlaws! Luckily, once he’s adopted Wimble, Thirty/Thirty tones down his aggression slightly, but I still think he needs to be locked up and given some major rehabilitation.
Insults
A dingo calls a Prairie Person a “little fairy”, and Thirty/Thirty refers to the dingoes as “two-legged coyotes”, thus confusing the coyote/dingo issue even further. I’m beginning to wonder if maybe dingo and coyote are two words for the same animal. Anyway, there’s also an annoying moment when a hideous child describes Wimble as a “funny-talking savage”.
Strength of the Bear
This is BraveStarr’s power of choice for the initial battle with Howler’s coyotes, and jolly good for him.
Speed of the Puma
About 15 minutes into this trial of an episode, BraveStarr runs back to town to fetch a helicopter, or some such rubbish. I didn’t even care by this stage, so forgive me if this isn’t exactly what he does. He also uses it again right at the end for something or other. If you want to know what, you’ll have to watch this episode yourself, and believe me, you don’t want to do that.
Starr Rating
No. Just no. With the exception of the first scene – before Wimble appears – this whole thing is tripe from start to finish. Wimble is annoying enough to make me burst a blood vessel, and the whole story is paper-thin and utterly senseless. I don’t have a clue what Howler was hoping to achieve, and I don’t care either. Such discussions aside, it should be relatively plain what I think of this week’s effort, but if you’re having difficulty deducing my meaning – do not watch this one.
BraveStarr Episode Review Site 