In which BraveStarr bullies an old woman.
We begin in Doc Clayton’s consulting room, where he has just pronounced a man named Charlie has contracted Strain 25 Space Virus, a diagnosis which sounds suspiciously vague to me. I don’t think Doc Clayton knows what’s wrong with Charlie, so he’s just hoping to wow the ignorant townsfolk with important-sounding words.
BraveStarr’s in the consulting room too, evidently believing that it’s his business to know the private health matters of the town’s population. After babbling out reassurances that he isn’t medically qualified to give, he is contacted by Molly, who is – as usual – under attack by some idiots seeking to rob the stagecoach. This prompts an interminable montage of BraveStarr and Thirty/Thirty galloping to the rescue, a montage that I’ve seen billions of times over the last few weeks. Give it a rest, guys.
Because he wasted so much time being in his stupid montage, the baddies are already gone by the time BraveStarr arrives. Molly is propped up against a wall, and informs BraveStarr that she’s okay, but the baddies got away with the stagecoach. BraveStarr follows their tracks to a ruined desert fort, where he finds a pair of unsavoury characters called Bart and Billy who he arrests them with ease – but when he drags them before Judge JB, he can’t make any charges stick, owing to his total lack of evidence.
BraveStarr then announces his intention to lock Bart and Billy up until he can find some evidence, because he’s got a gut feeling they’re guilty. At this point Judge JB intervenes to tell BraveStarr to stop being so bloody stupid and to release the prisoners immediately. The next day, there’s another stagecoach robbery, which Handlebar helpfully points out is the fourth robbery in as many days. BraveStarr agrees and pointedly tells Judge JB that if he’d been allowed to lock Bart and Billy up, it wouldn’t have happened. Well, here’s a notion, BraveStarr: it also wouldn’t have happened if you were accompanying the stagecoach so you could arrest the baddies in the act. Instead, by all appearances, you’ve simply been moping about in the bar shouting at Judge JB.
Shortly thereafter, BraveStarr spots Billy and Bart leaving town, so he and Judge JB follow them. When they split up, BraveStarr follows Bart and is luckily on hand to save him when he moronically falls off a cliff, and in return Bart confesses that he’s a robber, but is only doing it in order to watch over Billy, his brother. I don’t know why he thinks this will make any difference – he’s still a robber, after all. Either way, BraveStarr radios Judge JB to inform her that he’s got the necessary evidence, but quickly learns that she’s been captured by Billy.
To add a little bit of urgency to proceedings, Doc Clayton gets in touch at this point and reveals that the stagecoach is late, and it’s carrying the serum for Strain 25 Space Virus. If Charlie doesn’t get the medicine in time, he’ll die. BraveStarr grasps the importance of the situation and decides that he hasn’t got time to lock Bart up, so instead he releases him. Genius that he is, he doesn’t bother to follow Bart back to the baddies’ hideout. Jesus Christ, BraveStarr, you are so dense sometimes.
Owing to dumb luck, BraveStarr manages to track the baddies down anyway, and he succeeds in arresting three dingoes, but Billy and Bart escape again, thanks in no small part to BraveStarr stopping to make unfunny quips instead of getting on with his job. Once they’re safe again, Billy and Bart check out their latest haul, and find the only thing the stagecoach was carrying was the medicine. Bart points out that the medicine is needed to save someone’s life, prompting Billy to realise it’s very valuable – and he thus sends Bart to BraveStarr with a note offering to trade the medicine for the release of the three arrested dingoes. Bart adds that if BraveStarr just attacks, Billy will probably destroy the medicine.
BraveStarr – who, let’s not forget, was earlier this episode trying to establish a police state where you can be arrested if the marshal doesn’t like the look of you – now suddenly gets on his high horse about how it’s entirely inappropriate to negotiate with terrorists. He then opts for an act of dreadful moral cowardice and goes to Charlie’s wife Stella, yammering on to her about not giving in to terrorism but also refusing to personally make the decision to attack Billy and possibly lose the medicine. He finishes up by demanding that Stella tell him what to do, and adds, “What do you think Charlie would want me to do?” Wow, BraveStarr.
Well, of course, Stella can’t stand up to BraveStarr’s mental bullying, and gives him permission to go out and try to arrest Billy. Bart offers to try to talk Billy round, to which BraveStarr agrees, but he only allows Bart to utter one sentence before deciding that it isn’t working and blunders in with all the subtlety of a UKIP press release. This, predictably, prompts Billy to hurl the medicine at a rock, and it’s only thanks to some puma speed that BraveStarr is able to catch it in time. The episode concludes with Charlie recovering from the mysterious Strain 25 Space Virus, while BraveStarr takes Judge JB out for dinner and presumably apologises for being an unremitting dick.
In today’s adventure…
What will it be? So many morals here. You can’t arrest people based on not liking them? You can’t negotiate with terrorists? If you’re a policeman, you can hang out in the doctor’s surgery listening to confidential medical assessments? If you’re a doctor, you can make up diseases when you haven’t got a clue what’s going on? No, none of these. Instead, BraveStarr tells us that we should always listen to our family. Well, that’s just super.
Character checklist
We see most of the inhabitants of Fort Kerium this week, including BraveStarr, Thirty/Thirty, Judge JB, Fuzz, Handlebar, Doc Clayton and Molly. Characters of the week are Stella, Charlie, Bart, and Billy. Then of course there’s those infernal dingoes.
Insults
The episode starts well, with Molly calling Billy and Bart “space rats” within the first two minutes, but thereafter, everyone seems to forget to insult people.
Ears of the Wolf
On his arrival at the desert fort, BraveStarr very sensibly uses the ears of the wolf to check things out, and he does the same at the end of the episode when it’s time to arrest Billy. It’s a very sensible approach, but by this point in the series it simply serves as a stark contrast to the number of times BraveStarr hasn’t bothered and has just blundered into a situation.
Strength of the Bear
While in the desert fort, BraveStarr uses his bear strength to pummel down a wall that he could easily have just walked round. He does like to make things difficult for himself sometimes. He also uses the strength of the bear later on to do some implausible nitwittery with a load of geysers.
Starr Rating
If you want an episode where you can shout at the TV virtually non-stop to tell BraveStarr what a complete moron he is, you won’t find a better one. Literally everything he does this week – from his first appearance eavesdropping on Charlie’s diagnosis to his final scene indulging in some cringy flirting with Judge JB, via his idiocy in trying to arrest people without evidence, his stupidity in not tailing a suspect, and especially his emotional blackmail of an old woman – is either irredeemably stupid or morally reprehensible. Otherwise, there’s precious little to recommend this instalment, so it’s only really worth your time if you want to get furious with a demented policeman.
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