In which Judge JB’s dad gets kidnapped by a cat.
We open at midnight in the Fort Kerium newspaper office, where Judge JB is haranguing her father McBride, telling him to go to bed. I must assume that the newspaper office is in Judge JB’s house, otherwise the only conclusion is that Judge JB walked across town in her nightie to bellow at her dad. Either scenario is possible in the BraveStarr universe, frankly.
McBride agrees to go to bed, and after Judge JB leaves, he sighs and makes a comment about his daughter that could be construed as slightly inappropriately sexual, if you’ve been watching cartoons for months on end and are beginning to go a bit loop-de-loop. Anyway, McBride then spots a spaceship landing and – under the impression that it must be a gang of criminals known as the Kreng who have recently escaped from prison on Alpha Centauri – sensibly goes out to take a gander.
McBride discovers that the spaceship is indeed crewed by the Kreng, and that they have brought some humanoid sheep (amusingly called Fooftahs) with them as kerium-mining slaves. McBride calls BraveStarr to let him know the Kreng are present, which is lucky, since it’s only another 2.5 seconds before McBride is captured by the Kreng himself.
BraveStarr, Thirty/Thirty and Judge JB set out to rescue him, en route picking up a lady called Commander Kane of the Star Marines, who has been despatched to recapture the Kreng and take them back to prison. It turns out that Kane knows McBride from 20 years ago, so everyone involved in this rescue mission has a personal stake in the proceedings, which is of course the ideal setup for a team in any hostage situation.
On arrival at the Kreng spaceship, Commander Kane puts herself in charge and sends BraveStarr, Thirty/Thirty and Judge JB off to be a distraction while she attends to the serious business of rescuing the prisoners. This is achieved with a minimum of fuss, and with McBride at liberty again, he’s free to flirt with Commander Kane, much to Judge JB’s annoyance, who accuses him of forgetting all about her mother. McBride simply responds by saying, “Yeah well, your mum’s been dead for 10 years and I haven’t had a shag in all that time, so get over it,” or words to that effect, which doesn’t go a bundle in mollifying Judge JB. BraveStarr doesn’t help matters by telling Judge JB that her father “has needs”, which no doubt takes her to a wholly unwelcome mental place.
With the prisoners rescued, our heroes next take the time to re-arrest the Kreng, in a protracted battle scene featuring BraveStarr doing his usual ineffectual dicking around with bear strength, puma speed, etc, while Thirty/Thirty cocks things up in more inventive ways. Luckily, the Fooftahs decide to intervene at this point and save the day, after which McBride and Commander Kane rather surprisingly get married.
In today’s adventure…
BraveStarr, Thirty/Thirty and Judge JB all team up to explain that we shouldn’t be ashamed of being afraid sometimes. They then just kind of leave it there, making the moral seem curiously unfinished.
Character checklist
Only the fortunate few make the cast list this week: the usual suspects of BraveStarr, Thirty/Thirty and Judge JB are joined by McBride, Commander Kane, the Kreng and the Fooftahs. If any of you are massive Handlebar fans, you may be interested to know he gets a non-speaking cameo at the wedding at the end.
Unnecessarily Violent Horse
Thirty/Thirty makes relatively little contribution to this episode, other than repeatedly voicing the opinion that they should “stomp” the Kreng. Unbelievably, Commander Kane thinks this is a good idea, which speaks volumes for her own sanity, and Thirty/Thirty is permitted to go on a mental little rampage through the Kreng encampment. Shortly before the second fight, he stands around gibbering “Boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy” for what seems like at least 30 seconds, further accentuating his disproportionately violent approach. He then stupidly slips on a stone, prompting the Kreng to attack before our heroes are fully ready and earning himself a scorch mark from a blaster on his right buttock. You moron, Thirty/Thirty.
Insults
The Kreng boss calls the Fooftahs “miserable, stinking slaves” and “fuzzheads”, and refers to BraveStarr, Thirty/Thirty, Judge JB, Commander Kane and McBride as “meddlesome do-gooders”. Thirty/Thirty waits right until the moral segment to get his vengeance, calling the Kreng “creeps”. Otherwise, we get Commander Kane affectionately calling McBride an “old duffer” twice, and less affectionately telling BraveStarr and Judge JB that they are “amateurs”. Judge JB responds with “overbearing dipswitch”, and I definitely thought she said something else that was entirely less appropriate.
Eyes of the Hawk
This one puts in a rare appearance when BraveStarr wants to know if McBride has definitely been captured by the Kreng. It’s a blatant example of time-killing, since we all know he has, and we don’t really care about BraveStarr obsessively double-checking things.
Strength of the Bear
Yes, yes, yes, we all knew this was going to pop up when BraveStarr and his posse begin their fight with the Kreng. I wish he wouldn’t bother sometimes.
Speed of the Puma
This is used to relatively minimal effect in the final showdown against the Kreng. BraveStarr runs really fast at a pair of Kreng, knocking them down, but I’d put money on the notion that they could simply get back up again. He uses it again seconds later to jump aboard the escaping Kreng ship, by which time we really didn’t care anymore.
Starr Rating
This one’s a definite solid entry, giving us a surprisingly mature storyline about parents getting together with another partner after a divorce or bereavement. Judge JB makes an effective audience stand-in figure by going through the expected stages of annoyance and non-acceptance, before eventually realising that Commander Kane is likely to be good for her father. Coupled with an exciting storyline about criminals and a rescue mission, we’ve got a good episode containing a positive life message, which may well have helped some children back in the 80s experiencing similar family issues. Recommended.
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